Grief Archives - Raising World Children

This Mother’s Day Do Not Forget These Mothers

April 30, 2019

by Rebecca Vijay with 8 Comments Empowerment festivals Mindset Mothers Day Women

Mothers Day is coming soon…

A day to celebrate mothers.
A day to acknowledge their contribution in our lives.
A day for mothers to bask in the care and affection of the family.
A day for children to show their love.
A lot of thought, effort and time goes into making the day special..

But what of the mom who has lost her child?
What of the mother who is grieving for the child and the future that they lost?
What of the mother who does not have a child to shower their love on her?
What of the bereaved mother or Vilomah (Sanskrit word for bereaved parents)

The mother who carried her child within her for days and then had to let them go
The mother who built dreams around her child, which came crashing down
The mother who lost the love of her life through no fault of her own
The mother who has lost her reason to live and happiness seems a distant memory

She eagerly awaits the phone calls that no longer come
The frequent text messages and funny videos that don’t come too
She relives the long walks, the long talks, the Sunday brunches, the midweek lunches
The surprise flowers, her favorite chocolates and special gifts

The denial, the guilt, the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the memories
Don’t really go away with the passage of time
People stop talking about the child and want you to snap out of it
That you have got to get out of this zone

Does a person want to be in a perpetual circle of sorrow and grief?
Does a person want to continue to mourn unendingly?
Does a person want to forget a vital part of their very soul and being?
The mother is just crying out in silent screams
She is just wanting for her love to be talked about
She just wants the assurance that you will not forget her child
The length of their journey on earth doesn’t matter.. She misses them dearly..

She had promised that she would protect and keep the child safe
She had promised that she would raise them up to the best of her ability
She had promised that she will weave a perfect family and a perfect future..

The broken promises cry out to her.
The silent nursery / room screeches in her ears.
The beautiful face is a constant wallpaper in her mind.
Her empty arms are not able to reach out to her child .
The loneliness is stifling her more and more each day.

This first Sunday of May, do say a little prayer for the bereaved moms
On International Bereaved Mothers Day, touch the life of just one Vilomah
Just be there for her, just lend a ear, just talk to her and let her talk..
That’s all she wants, that’s all she ever wanted..
For her child to be remembered and not forgotten and their memories honored…

The world may not recognize her as a mother.
As her child is no longer here with her.
She may be broken but trying to put back together the pieces
She is still a mother at heart, in her mind and in her soul
Celebrate the day, celebrate her motherhood, celebrate her, celebrate her child..
She is a mother too…

Learn more about International Bereavement Mother’s Day here.

When The New Baby Never Came Home

October 14, 2017

by Tammy Coin with 3 Comments Parenting Voices

The television commercials and advertisements would have us believe that pregnancy and giving birth is a joyous occasion. No matter the circumstances, pregnancy and giving birth is typically coupled with high stress. At the very least, happy couples might begin to ask questions like “Are we ready?” or “Do we have everything we need?” In other families, the pregnancy was unexpected or unwanted. In others, the mom or the baby is considered high risk.

[bctt tweet=”On October 15th I share my story of losing my baby sister. ” username=”contactrwc”]

It often takes a great deal of pain and hard work before something is deemed important enough to have a special day on the calendar. After many losses, grieving and hard work, October 15 was officially named the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006. Today, we honor those families whose lives were forever changed when pregnancy turned into grieving, when the new baby never came home.

A Little Girl Prepares

When I was a little girl, I would prepare for many things. By the time I was 5, I had experienced several changes which included loss, trauma, abuse and living in a variety of places with people coming in and out of my life. With a world that was continuously influx, I found myself always preparing for something, on the inside. Life was often scary and unsettling and I was learning survival skills to master my ever changing life. My mom became pregnant when I was 5 and I am not sure that I had many thoughts about that. As I recall, we were living in another state then and I had other things to consider.

My Mom Is “Fat”

On one particular day (maybe my first), I was on my way to Kindergarten. I remember being embarrassed that my mom was “fat” and I didn’t want her to come in with me. Such a strange thing for a shy, soft hearted little girl to feel.
I can’t be sure, but that may have been the day that I began to understand that my mom was “fat” because she was going to have a baby. I remember being sad and upset with myself for thinking my mom was fat and began to get pretty excited about this little baby that was coming. Every time I would see commercials on television with babies, I would get more excited and began to understand that a baby was coming to live with me!

It’s Time !

The excitement was finally here! We were going to have a baby! My mom and dad had taken me to stay with another family that took good care of me and I patiently waited for my mom and the new baby to come home. It was Christmas time in 1970 and a little 5 year old girl was excited for this new Christmas present!

Sometimes, They Just Don’t Talk About It

My dad came to pick me up and there was no baby, my mom wasn’t there either. My little sister was born on Christmas Eve that year. She had problems with her little lungs and she died on that same Christmas Eve. There were no babies for my mom to hold or bring home, in fact they had a sign on her door saying not to bring babies in the room.

To make matters worse, we were a family without money. In order to cover the hospital expenses, my family had to donate my sister’s little body for research. When my mom got home from the hospital, everything that belonged to the baby was gone. It was if the whole pregnancy didn’t exist. In 1970, they didn’t handle things the way they do today. Sometimes, they just don’t talk about it. If you don’t talk about them, then they didn’t happen was kind of the philosophy of the day.

When The New Baby Never Came Home

I’m not exactly sure when I found out what really happened. There was no memorial, funeral or burial. There was nothingness. My 5 year old heart was devastated when the new baby never came home.

Honoring and Remembering

My little sister would be 47 years old this year on Christmas Eve. There is a great deal more to our story, but 24 years after her death we were able to place a marker for her in the Babyland area of the Cemetery. Knowing that there is now a special day to honor those families who have experienced the loss of their babies, brings tears to my eyes.

In order to write this small story about the amazing little baby who never came home, her big sister had to do what she has done so many times before, prepare on the inside. But I do it so that You may find the strength to do so too. And to know, I am here if you need to talk to me about it.

Tammy Coin is a Mind-Body Wellness Practitioner, Teacher and Speaker. She holds sacred space & helps you locate the unhealed emotions leftover from Childhood Abuse & Trauma that block the door to your authentic self. She then partners with you, using the pieces of her own life, to empower, motivate and inspire you to fully uncover your Soul Purpose. You can find her http://thedoorsofwellness.com

Reach out to a Vilomah Remembering Their Lost Ones

October 14, 2017

by Featured Guest with 2 Comments Parenting Voices

Children playing enthusiastically in a playground…
Toddlers rushing to meet their parents after a day away at school…
Kids at a restaurant noisily playing with spoons and forks…
A kid throwing a tantrum in the neighborhood mall or grocery store…
Your child making a mess just to prepare a special mothers day card for you…
Your child running up to you and giving you a bear-hug with sticky fingers and hands…

We come across these situations so often that it is easy to visualize and be able to feel the enthusiasm, hear the noise and see the reactions in our minds. These are common everyday occurrences that we at times take for granted. There are many times we want the children to only be seen and not heard or not even be seen at times when we are in the midst of some important work or busy with our virtual world or just want the noise to quieten down.

We forget that there are some of us who long for a hug, a kiss, the noise, the love, the mess, but do not get it. They dream of holding a little one in their arms, or holding their hands, or teaching them something, but they can’t. They would sacrifice everything in a moment just to hear a sweet voice saying ‘Momma’.

But some dreams do not come true or were about to come true but at the last moment. The beautiful dream was shattered and the bubble burst and you are left with nothing but memories, tears, silent houses, deafening thoughts, empty arms, lifeless cradles…

The Loss Of A Grieving Family

Vilomah is a Sanskrit word that is being given to a parent who has lost their child. Losing a child is an excruciating feeling and no matter how much time goes by, the loss and the feeling of loss never goes away. You are forever changed. Continuing your life without your little one is the new normal.

The loss of any loved one is extremely difficult to cope with. But to lose a part of you that you have created and were carrying for so many months while dreaming dreams of forever is all the more difficult, which is something that not many realize.

[bctt tweet=”Vilomah is a Sanskrit word that is being given to a parent who has lost their child.” username=”contactrwc”]

Pregnancy loss or infant loss is not easy to go through just because you never knew the child or spent so little time with them. The special bond that is created between the mother and the child is eternal and the mother, even if her child is no longer with her, is still a mother and still grieves for the child that was perfect in her eyes, that was taken away from her too soon.

She carried them and talked to them and shared all her dreams and fears with them. Her children had identities and characteristics; she knew their sleep patterns in her womb; what she could eat or drink to wake them up; when they would kick; when they would be most active; whose sounds would get them moving; what sounds would get them to calm down.

Fathers and siblings too feel the pain and the grief, even if they don’t express it and handle it differently. The family as a whole had built a dream around the little one and the loss reverberates across each member of the household. It is difficult for the other children to understand and come to terms with why their baby brother or sister is not coming home to them… Why they are not getting their promised playmates… Why their parents and other family members are so sad all the time…

I lost my firstborn twin son on the third day in April 2009. I told my daughter about her twin a few years back and she took it very matter-of-factly. Every now and then, she asks some questions about him or happily tells her friends about her brother in heaven and that she will meet him there.

October 15 – Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I wish more people would be empathetic towards vilomahs or parents who have lost their children and not want them to ‘get over it’ within a specific period. Everyone goes through their own healing process and needs love and support.

Reach out to someone who has gone through such a difficult time, talk to them about their child, about their feelings, show them that you care. Let them give a voice to the sorrow, the pain and the love that they have kept bottled up inside them. You might be surprised to know that they are eager to share about their angel in heaven and that they remember them every day.

It took me eight years before I finally used writing as a cathartic and therapeutic way of healing and wrote my first book. My Angel in Heaven: A Mother’s Journey through Death and Grief to Comfort and Hope (My God Delivers)

Let us remember our little angels this October and find peace in the hope that we will meet our angels in heaven soon.

Rebecca Vijay is an author, mommy blogger, freelance editor and designer, with two young children and an angel in heaven. In a career spanning a decade and a half, she has worked in various industries such as advertising, hotels, NGOs, and publishing; and was heading a commissioning team in OUP when she took a break to spend time with her kids and explore ways to make a difference. She is working on her first YA novel and has published her first book – My Angel in Heaven: A Mother’s Journey through Death and Grief to Comfort and Hope (My God Delivers). – in the memory of her firstborn twin son and has contributed to an inspirational book that has been written by over 100 moms from around the world When You’re DONE Expecting: A Collection of Heartfelt Stories from Mothers All across the Globe. You can find her here. –