Reach out to a Vilomah Remembering Their Lost Ones

Children playing enthusiastically in a playground…
Toddlers rushing to meet their parents after a day away at school…
Kids at a restaurant noisily playing with spoons and forks…
A kid throwing a tantrum in the neighborhood mall or grocery store…
Your child making a mess just to prepare a special mothers day card for you…
Your child running up to you and giving you a bear-hug with sticky fingers and hands…

We come across these situations so often that it is easy to visualize and be able to feel the enthusiasm, hear the noise and see the reactions in our minds. These are common everyday occurrences that we at times take for granted. There are many times we want the children to only be seen and not heard or not even be seen at times when we are in the midst of some important work or busy with our virtual world or just want the noise to quieten down.

We forget that there are some of us who long for a hug, a kiss, the noise, the love, the mess, but do not get it. They dream of holding a little one in their arms, or holding their hands, or teaching them something, but they can’t. They would sacrifice everything in a moment just to hear a sweet voice saying ‘Momma’.

But some dreams do not come true or were about to come true but at the last moment. The beautiful dream was shattered and the bubble burst and you are left with nothing but memories, tears, silent houses, deafening thoughts, empty arms, lifeless cradles…

The Loss Of A Grieving Family

Vilomah is a Sanskrit word that is being given to a parent who has lost their child. Losing a child is an excruciating feeling and no matter how much time goes by, the loss and the feeling of loss never goes away. You are forever changed. Continuing your life without your little one is the new normal.

The loss of any loved one is extremely difficult to cope with. But to lose a part of you that you have created and were carrying for so many months while dreaming dreams of forever is all the more difficult, which is something that not many realize.

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Pregnancy loss or infant loss is not easy to go through just because you never knew the child or spent so little time with them. The special bond that is created between the mother and the child is eternal and the mother, even if her child is no longer with her, is still a mother and still grieves for the child that was perfect in her eyes, that was taken away from her too soon.

She carried them and talked to them and shared all her dreams and fears with them. Her children had identities and characteristics; she knew their sleep patterns in her womb; what she could eat or drink to wake them up; when they would kick; when they would be most active; whose sounds would get them moving; what sounds would get them to calm down.

Fathers and siblings too feel the pain and the grief, even if they don’t express it and handle it differently. The family as a whole had built a dream around the little one and the loss reverberates across each member of the household. It is difficult for the other children to understand and come to terms with why their baby brother or sister is not coming home to them… Why they are not getting their promised playmates… Why their parents and other family members are so sad all the time…

I lost my firstborn twin son on the third day in April 2009. I told my daughter about her twin a few years back and she took it very matter-of-factly. Every now and then, she asks some questions about him or happily tells her friends about her brother in heaven and that she will meet him there.

October 15 – Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 

I wish more people would be empathetic towards vilomahs or parents who have lost their children and not want them to ‘get over it’ within a specific period. Everyone goes through their own healing process and needs love and support.

Reach out to someone who has gone through such a difficult time, talk to them about their child, about their feelings, show them that you care. Let them give a voice to the sorrow, the pain and the love that they have kept bottled up inside them. You might be surprised to know that they are eager to share about their angel in heaven and that they remember them every day.

It took me eight years before I finally used writing as a cathartic and therapeutic way of healing and wrote my first book. My Angel in Heaven: A Mother’s Journey through Death and Grief to Comfort and Hope (My God Delivers)

Let us remember our little angels this October and find peace in the hope that we will meet our angels in heaven soon.

Rebecca Vijay is an author, mommy blogger, freelance editor and designer, with two young children and an angel in heaven. In a career spanning a decade and a half, she has worked in various industries such as advertising, hotels, NGOs, and publishing; and was heading a commissioning team in OUP when she took a break to spend time with her kids and explore ways to make a difference. She is working on her first YA novel and has published her first book – My Angel in Heaven: A Mother’s Journey through Death and Grief to Comfort and Hope (My God Delivers). – in the memory of her firstborn twin son and has contributed to an inspirational book that has been written by over 100 moms from around the world When You’re DONE Expecting: A Collection of Heartfelt Stories from Mothers All across the Globe. You can find her here. –