Cart is empty
“Nobody wants to be my friend!” My son said, one summer evening after almost an hour of playing outside with a bunch of his friends. Every parent in this world has at some point or the other heard either this or some variation of this. “I’m not going to be that person’s friend anymore!” “Nobody likes me anymore.” It is a bit heavy on the heart when the apple of your eyes comes home with tears in their eyes. How do you help kids turn negative into positive?
I sat with my son that day. I placed two huge scoops of ice-cream in two bowls and we sat down on the couch relishing the chocolate and vanilla flavors. For a few minutes, not a word was spoken. It was a hot day and the cool ice cream was just what we needed to help us chill. After a few spoonfuls went in, I saw my son visibly relaxed and he started telling me about who said what to whom and the whole story came out.
The story in itself was not earth shattering. Somebody was rude to someone else. So that someone else reacted with more rudeness. There were a few others who added salt and chilly to an already emotional situation. And before they knew what happened, the whole group became sworn enemies.
I quietly listened to my son as we both proceeded to empty every last bit of the ice cream in our bowls. On that hot day, all my son needed was something cool to eat and a listening ear. Before I could speak a word on who was right and what he should have done, he was off to the door with a, “Bye Mom. I can still see my friends waiting for me outside.” He was off like the wind and I just heaved a sigh of relief.
It is not always this easy to solve his problems. Sometimes, I have to actually read books with him. I know of a friend who got her son into cooking. Whenever he would come home after being crushed by a situation outside, they would try a recipe together. The kid developed a love for cooking and had his mother to thank for her presence of mind. I also remember a friend of mine who would practice music after every fight that she had outside. She would just go home in a huff, lock her room and start practicing whatever raga that she was currently learning. I always thought that was very clever of her. After all, she earned so many brownie points from her mother. Talk about turning a negative into positive.
Listening Ears : Most of the time, children don’t really need a solution to their problems. All they need from us is non-judgmental listening from us. They need to know that we are there to support them through their good decisions and sometimes bad decisions. They are kids and they are not always going to make good choices. But they need to have that confidence in us that we would listen to their whole story without intervening or pointing out their flaws. At this point, parents are just their sounding board.
Divert: The next step is diversion. As mentioned above, this can be done in different ways. My personal favorite is reading books, especially realistic fiction suitable for their age and experiences. My son and I often read various types of books together. Or should I say, my son reads them to me. It is our favorite activity. I find that the situations mentioned in the books become a good source of discussion. We often talk about the ideas that the main character uses to solve their problems and how we could incorporate them into our worlds. Then there is my friend’s idea who used cooking to bond with her son. I can almost imagine the conversations they must have had in the kitchen. Not to mention the fragrance and flavors of the various dishes being cooked in the very same place.
Solutions: I believe that solutions need to be organic, as in happening naturally. I have learned that if I get into my lecture mode of what he should or should not have done, my son usually zones out. I can see those eyes glaze over and know that I have lost him. So, I use stories from books and tv shows to connect with him. Somehow, the lessons learned from them seem to work faster. I’m guessing because he has learned them by himself. When he watches or reads a character’s action, I see his little eyes light up and he looks up at me and smiles, “This is a lesson for me, isn’t it?”
I remember the first time I felt the heartbreak of getting into a fight with someone whom I considered to be my friend. I cried bitter tears that day. I felt all alone in the world. Like that was the end of everything for me. On that day, my little sister comforted me and distracted me with a game of snakes and ladders. I look back into that day and all I can do today is smile. Today, that girl and I are still friends, though it is more on social media than anywhere else. We made it through our fights and so will our kids. All they need is a little bit of time, patience and a bowl of ice-cream once in a while won’t be the end of the world for them.
More tips for kids and parents can be found here – RaisingWorldChildren.com/parentingtips
Learn all about Sangeetha Narayan’s debut book releasing October 2023 here.