Josephine Raising World Children

How Parents Can Better Handle Meltdowns or Tantrums in Public

A frazzled mother picks up her screaming squirming three year old daughter from the shopping center floor, trying to juggle her shopping and child as she negotiates the pram and six month old baby inside with her other hand, desperately hoping the shopping does not fall out of the basket underneath. Shopper after shopper steps aside glaring the unspoken recriminations evident on their faces, “Why doesn’t she make the naughty child stop screaming!”

• Don’t you think she would if she could?
• Don’t you think she wants an enormous hole to open in the floor for her to hide in?
• Don’t you think she would appreciate just one kind word right now?
• Don’t you think she is doing her best?

This was not the first time, and certainly was not the last time I had to fight with my three-year-old daughter, but what happened this time was life changing!

The silent tears slowly started to stream down my face as out of the middle of all these accusing faces steps an older lady. She says, “Sweetheart, this is not a tantrum. She is having a meltdown. She needs you to stop now and hold her. Not run from the looks being thrown your way.” She pointed me to a seat a metre away helped me sit holding my pram like a lifeline. What now? I knew my daughter was far too heavy for me to carry much further and still with the screaming. This lady I did not know took the small blanket from the top of the trolley and covered my shoulder and my daughter’s head. Almost instantly her screaming stopped. Just like that! I was totally stunned! This stranger had quietly solved all my dramas. I looked up at her and she quietly whispered, “She feels safe now! Go home and look up meltdown!” Then before I could even say thank you she walked away, disappeared into the midst of the shoppers now oblivious to my turmoil.

After we bought a drink and a barbecue chicken on the way out the door, because after that performance I was too shaken to contemplate food for my family, we made our way home.

After dinner and both children were asleep for the night, I made my way to the computer to investigate. Thinking back to this word “Meltdown” and wondering what the lady could possibly have meant.

How exactly does “meltdown” relate to my daughter’s massive tantrum, for goodness sake? Only, this lady knew how to handle her! She had obviously been there before!

The first thing to pop up on “Meltdown” read something like:

“I know you don’t know me but I know you! I have been you! Stop running because there is nowhere to run! Stop panicking because she feeds from your fear you cannot help her! She eventually stops screaming and struggling when you hug her because she feels her safe zone is now intact! Hugging her calms you so her body responds to the calm before her mind can relate!”

What does that have to do with calming a tantrum?

The next entry was from Understood.org and was titled, “The difference between a meltdown and a tantrum”. (Reference to the full article is below). Now things began to make sense.

A tantrum is a child trying to have their way by showing their displeasure, whilst a meltdown is becoming so overwhelmed by their surroundings they can no longer cope. The child’s “fight of flight” response triggered from panic and they lose their ability to focus or think. Tightly hugging them therefore helps them instill calm in their body.

Knowing this makes my days so much easier to negotiate. Awareness that when anxiety triggers it can be irrational and we need to talk, negotiate a pathway back to our child feeling safe. Remember to be understanding as our child feels overwhelmed, and is acting out because they have no words to explain their feelings.

I hope that all before we are again sitting on a bench in the middle of the shopping centre, with a small blanket tossed over her head, squeezing her tight to remind her we will make a barrier together between her and the outside world. We will be her safe zone until she is ready to partake in the world, until she is ready to reset again and explore by herself!

The next time you watch a parent trying desperately hard to carry a screaming child to the parent’s room or outside the noisy shopping center, please:

Spare them a smile or a nod of encouragement! An offer of assistance would be welcome even if they do not know how to accept you help!

Already they feel the weight of the world on their shoulders for not knowing how to help their small child. Please do not compound their distress with your recriminations. I promise you they are already doing their very best!

Useful articles and resources I find very helpful:

Morin, Amanda. “The difference between a meltdown and a tantrum” , Sensory Processing Issues

Raising Lifelong Learners – Kessler, Colleen. “Helping your child cope with Anxiety”

Not So Formulaic – (2017, Sept 14) “WHY GIFTED CHILDREN ARE ANXIOUS, PLUS 4 WAYS TO HELP THEM COPE” .

On a search for new ideas, I found this today.
Not the Former Things – Wingert, Shawna. “Before you Judge a Special Needs Parent”

Is Your Family Arguing About Getting a Pet? Read this!

Does your family have a pet or pets? We need a pet.

Everyone keeps telling me that a family needs a pet. When you have as many allergies as we do, it is very difficult to determine the best choice. With allergies to dust, fur, and cats our options for a pet, in a flat, that likes warm weather are: a reptile, a fish or a bird.

When you have mischievous small boys and a playful smaller cousin about, fish appears not to be a wise option. I shudder at the thought of broken glass and jumping fish as their pool of water spreads far across the room… Just “No!” Next!

We have a gecko, a small reptile like a lizard that visits us occasionally, when the weather is right. My children are forever searching to see if he has returned. We named him “Albie” and the occasional small gecko that pops up hereabouts, “Friend of Albie”. Again, the terrarium has me worried! Bouncing boys (and girl too but she is old enough to think and be careful most of the time) and glass do not really complement each other. – Not a good fit!

What we need is a Bird Whisperer!

Enter our children and my husband to this discussion and they all say at once “we want a bird!” Well, that is it then! Although, here begins my wariness… I grew up on a farm! However, I have never kept a bird in a cage. Even my chickens wandered about the farm by day, and we locked them in the chicken coop at night (to keep them safe from foxes).

Further discussion followed and covered singing birds like canaries and bulbuls, until my elder son pipes up, “No! I want a parrot! I want to teach it to talk!”

My husband is leaving for the markets and says, “I will see what I can find!” only to return some hours later with…. four budgerigars! (Very curious! I still do not understand why four. Fortunately, they are little!)

“What is that?” says the first child.

“That’s not a parrot!” says the next.

“They’re not saying anything!” says the last.

I sent them to the Macquarie Primary Dictionary for a definition: Budgerigar (say: buj-uh-ree-gah) noun. A small yellow and green parakeet found in inland parts of Australia, but also kept in cages and bred in other colours. The shortened form is ‘budgie’.

Yes, I did say four budgies! I did not sign up for this willingly!! I do not know very much about budgerigars. As an aside, they are very cute though!

Everyone is very very excited!

Maybe that is the problem… too much excitement floating in the air.

Help! This is not going to plan at all!!!

Someone tells me they are easy to look after.

✔2 teaspoons of seeds each day.

✔clean water

✔clean paper in cage

✔rice, fruit, vegetables…

✔happy budgies!

Someone says they like to have the same food we eat, extra to their seeds.

Not these cranky birds! The list of things they refuse to eat grows longer by the day, including all the things I tried to give them to keep them healthy. The “not too many sunflower seeds” they recommend against may need to be the next purchase on the list.

Apple
Carrot
Cucumber
Lettuce

Someone tells me easily trainable.

They go crazy anytime we go near the cage. Which, with three “excited to have a pet” children in the house, means many many times a day.

The children are starting to get frightened of them being frightened of the children…. *sigh*

Cleaning the cage even upsets them and I do it every day!

Someone tells me after about a week let them out to fly around the room.

Think we missed something in the instructions on this too as they flew straight into the wall. (You can imagine the totally distress that caused for all concerned!) I do not think these budgerigars had ever left a cage before!

These tiny creatures will not be flying out that tiny door until we work out some much better instructions.Definitely not in the plan!

We need some rather urgent tips on looking after budgerigars, if you please!

State the obvious! It would be very much appreciated! We are well and truly lost!

Thank you in advance!

Signed: Confused new pet owners

This Holiday Season Remember the Helpers with Gratitude

Remembering the helpers… I am most grateful!

To the volunteers, helpers, emergency services workers, teachers, family, friends, and my mum… I wish to say “Thank you!”

Sometimes we take for granted the helpers in our world!

Today, I was witness to a volunteer, a helper, harassed online for her efforts. Last week, I saw a soccer coach say he has confrontations weekly, for ‘not running his team the “right” way’.

This is not ok! This must stop!

Attention, please! These are our volunteers! People that rearrange their schedules, give up their family time, and do special training so they can be our helpers. If you can do a better job – prove it! Take the course! Be on the receiving end of ungrateful people’s comments week after week.

I understand we are all busy with duties to attend to, errands to run, families to look after, working long days…

When was the last time you actually did not just toss “Thank you” over your shoulder as you departed, in a hurry?

When was the last time you took the time to say “Thank you” to your:

Football coach?
Netball coach?
Librarian?
Scouts leader?
To the police officer who helped with directions?
The nurse taking your blood pressure?
The cleaner at work?
The postman who delivered your mail?

When was the last time you stopped and said, “Thanks for making my lunch, Mum!”

When was the last time you made the time to stop and validate the contributions people, tirelessly and selflessly, make to our lives?

In this world, at this time, we are quick to criticize all the mistakes people make. We have no trouble pointing out the erroneous grammar in an article we are reading (yes, I am guilty of this too!), a spelling mistake in the book we are reading, and decisions of government we disagree with… but how often do we stop to say “thank you”, and mean it?

A post popped up today from one of my favorite blogs for young children’s books: Growing Book by Book. It talks about books for teaching children about gratitude and appreciation.

In the list is a book recommended for my dyslexic son by one of his teachers. It is called “Thank you, Mr Falker” by Patricia Polacco, about a child’s school experience: her inability to read although she is desperate to do so, several years pass and she still cannot read, then a very special teacher works out her issues, and helps her back on track.- https://g.co/kgs/goUwzm

I like the reminders to be grateful and appreciative. The lessons to share with our children but… maybe we can take it one step more… stop and take the time to say “Thank you!”

“Thank you” to our family who always respond when we need their assistance. Sometimes we forget to acknowledge the freedom and thankfulness in just knowing our support network is but a call away.

I live in a bicultural/ biracial family. In our second language Arabic, you do not use the word “Thank you” to your family members. You may assume your request is considered and a response forthcoming with the solution an act of love, and care – your acceptance of their assistance is the only thank you expected. I find it very difficult at times when my family is doing something for me. I am most grateful but my “thank you” always met with surprise and a “You don’t have to thank me, you are family!” The understanding that they do what they can to make each other’s lives easier, and I am by extension of marriage included, is rather humbling.

I am just sitting here thinking….

Eighteen months ago, we changed continents.
Our majority language became our minority language and our minority language became our majority language.
We changed cultures.
We changed from living in a house to living in an apartment.

Just one of these things may have been difficult but…

I am so grateful for the experience.
I am grateful for the new teachers of my children who are working to help us improve our children’s literacy in their new majority language.
I am most grateful of all for the family and friends who have supported this move and helped us settle anew!

Who are you grateful for today?

It is Not Just “Boys Being Boys”

The “Horror Movie” is back! Just like the Australian band the Skyhooks used to sing – “It’s the six-thirty news! Right there on my tv!” It is irksome, maddening and frustrating when a I thought we could sit down together to watch the news, we catch a snippet of gangs harassing people, particularly women, being described as “boys being boys!”

A presenter, excusing this unlawful behaviour as boys always follow the leader! Have they thought through the message they are presenting to our children, and society? Particularly, to the young men and women watching these stories unfold!

Please think before you speak: Our children are listening!

Upon changing the channel over to a different news report because my young son does not need to hear how a woman standing up for her rights is facing formidable ostracizing. No reprieve is forthcoming, in summary another reporter describing the bunch of hooligans as predators and then subtly suggesting an erroneous assessment as there were only questionable victims seeking justice (translation = young woman with their friends in the evening).

Then we come to the memes about the news story. My goodness, many feed into the very behaviour we wish to eliminate! Think! Children are watching! I wish people would be more thoughtful creating them.

People forget that children look up to them and are monitoring their actions. What happened to giving alms to the poor and protecting the weak?

What happened?

What happened to empowering those that would speak out and stand up for others?
What happened to the amnesty for whistle-blowers?
What happened that allows harassing and predatory behavior to be excused as “boys being boys”?
What happened to make it acceptable behavior to blame the victim?
What happened to justify “trial by media” developing as the only way victims may secure consideration?

The issues I fear are greater though – worrying about someone being falsely accused when there are symptoms of dis-ease infiltrating our society. This is what leads to the real fear our daughters may be assaulted!

Our children should be safe playing in the street, at the movies, going to a friend’s party, or shopping with a friend! We, as parents, grandparents and guardians of children should not have to second-guess our decision anytime we let our child leave our side.

I have again turned off the horror movie on the tv, but it had already had a resounding effect on my young son. I am now answering his questions, carefully, one by one.

Parenting young sons and a daughter does not need to become more difficult! Mothers need to learn how boys’ brains work. Instinctively, we can make a reasonable guess on our daughters’ concerns.

Boys think differently. They act differently.

Before you jump up and down, there is science to support this remark. Boys hang out together – typical boy behavior mothers across the world encourage for developing healthy energetic sons. Honestly, their energy level makes me dizzy! Sending them to go rumble and play is a sanity saving exercise for mothers. I can channel my daughter’s energy into positive easily without the extra exercise because I am a girl.

Although, with two younger brothers “outside to play, please” works quite well for the time being. The exasperating, trial-and-error filled experience that ensue on occasion, for a mother finding the same positive distraction for her small sons does not leave one looking favorably on media who are not thinking through their remarks.

Small mischievous boys grow up to be kind caring young men whilst playing with their siblings and friends. Some enjoy playing soccer, playing chess, making cupcakes for afternoon snacks before dinner time, kidnapping the washing from the washing machine to hang on the line without being asked, and watching Star Wars movies, and the like, so that they can be discussed ad nausea. Usefully engaging is the aim of the game here, and whether athletic or geeky these activities should be described as “Boys being Boys”!

Playing is how we learn the right way to do things so:

Let’s teach all our children, no matter how small, when someone says “No!” “Stop!” “I don’t like it!”, then it is everyone’s responsibility to ensure the game stops regardless of whether you are a boy or girl, and even if everyone was having fun the minute before!

Let’s stop small boys asking questions like “Do they think we are all bad?”

Let’s help our children are safe all of the time!

Let’s not use “Boys being Boys” as an excuse…