Cart is emptyA very good friend of mine once said to me, “Never bring your ego to the table while dealing with a kid. Your ego and the kids stubbornness will end up hurting you both.”
That Inherent Vicious Cycle That Causes Victim Blaming
** Trigger Alert !
His hands slid down his brief case and before I knew it, they were on me. He pressed and pushed and groped. I sat stunned, unable to move. Praying for my bus stop to come. In a bus full of people, I was paralyzed. Voiceless. The bus stopped, finally. I rushed out of there, went home and told my aunt what happened.
Her response, “It’s your fault. Why didn’t you just get up?!”
I felt like I had been slapped. Why didn’t I get up and leave? What had been stopping me? Nothing!
After this, I knew better. I would get up when I sensed a man reaching for me. Before long, I would turn around and snap at the people next to him. Or just turn away. Or worse, ignore and walk way.
From an innocent 17, I went to a 22 year old expecting men to assault me wherever I walked. In India, it’s a silent acceptance that this is a regular occurrence.
There is anger but NO surprise when men touch your inappropriately, lech at you, cat call or even masturbate in front of you.
This blind acceptance is one of the roots of all sexual assault. It is accepted. And so when such incidents happen, some people think, “It happens. Deal with it.”
It is only after I’ve had a daughter that I have come to accept that a teenager, unless told how to handle a situation will not know how to react in any sexual situation. Be it assault or otherwise. My call to action in such situation was tell dad and mom, and that is what I thought I would do. That THEY (our guardians) would take action. And it is only recently, that I have come to question this blind acceptance.
No one says, THIS SHOULD JUST STOP.
Every group of girls sitting around has war scars of being assaulted. There are a lot of hows, but no whys. Moreover why is it that us girls are blamed for what happens to us?
Our skirts. Our attitude. Our behavior. Our choices.
Of all these, the only true reason for victim blaming is denial. Girls who are assaulted are blamed or not believed is because those who are doing the blaming are thinking, “This would NEVER happen to me.”
They are sitting on their high horse, thinking they are above it all. Either they have been through it, accepting it as something that happens naturally OR they have never experienced it, secretly hoping they never DO. For they are following some set para-dimes that they feel will keep them safe.
Whereas the one and only solution to this is raising men with awareness. Raising women with empathy.
Today I understand that my aunt having two sons and being of a certain age had maybe forgotten the shame, desperation and disgust a girl feels.
I never forgot what happened. I also never forgot what was said to me after. About me. How it made me feel so much worse. For what the man had done was natural to him. But I had thought my aunt would be the one protecting me.
I never forget. Not because I have a girl.
But because I have a boy, who is going to go out in the world. I have the responsibility as a mother, a woman and most importantly a human being to protect those around us to the best of my ability. To teach my son what it means to treat girls/women with respect. To tell him, what it means to be a good boyfriend. A great husband.
PASSING THE TORCH
A couple of weeks ago, he (now 7) said, “I don’t want to get married because I don’t like kissing girls. I don’t know why people have girl friends.”
I responded, “The best age to have a girl friend or boyfriend is when you are 20 because by then you have some understanding on how to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend. You have to care for them like dad cares about me. They are your responsibility.”
“Then why do teenagers have girlfriends?”
“Because some people think it is a matter of being cool. Sometimes you just like someone, and want to be around them more. But if you want to be a GOOD boyfriend, you have to know it is work, just like studying or being married. You have to be kind, gentle and loving.”
“Yuck! I don’t want to do all that with girls now. I think I will wait for when I’m old enough. “
Yes, there will be those out there who tell me he’s too young. But it is these very conversations that add up to a mentality in a society.
The only way to stop the vicious circle of sexual assault & victim blaming is to understand, that is is someone’s child who is going through something. It can happen to anybody. And this is not something that ANY VICTIM just forgets. It haunts them for the rest of their lives. And shows up in subtle ways.
So, there is certainly nothing wrong when it haunts the person who does the assault either. That is what is called justice. We need examples for our children, that we can say, THIS is what happens when you take scar someone. And THIS is absolutely why when we put men in power who have disrespected women or stay silent when another is being assaulted/harassed, we exemplify this horrendous behavior which seems to have No consequence.
It is up to us, to be a gentle world. To believe. To act. To empower the children of tomorrow with kindness and respect.
To stand up and say, “No MORE!”
How are you stopping the cycle of victim blaming? What are you doing to STOP this vicious cycle of assault and blame?
Aditi Wardhan Singh is a mom of two, living it up in Richmond Virginia in USA. Raised in Kuwait, being Indian by birth she has often felt out of place. A computer engineer by profession, she is now a freelance writer and entrepreneur having founded Raising World Children and IndiFusion Creative Academy. Impromptu dance parties and trips to the library with her little ones are her ultimate picker upper. She provides tools to open minded parents to empower their children to raise positive, gracious, global thought leaders. She currently writes for the HuffingtonPost, Thrive Global, RMB and is author in “When You Are Done Expecting ”. Her own book Strong Roots Have No Fear comes out soon.
The Secret to Teaching Children to Cope With Big Feelings
Do you know reading stories helps children coping with feelings? Stories play a vital role in developing a child’s imagination.
Using stories you can introduce new ideas into their world. From a realistic story that talks about kids and animals to fantasy stories that talk about other planets, ogres and trolls, children’s learn to visualize it in their own way.
Stories are also useful for teaching more complex ideas, such as the importance of sharing, manners and the passage of time. And what’s so great about learning through stories is that there’s no actual teaching involved at all, they learn from simply reading the story naturally.
Rewriting Authentic Tales to Happy Endings:
Storytelling is one of the best ways to teach compassion to kids. There is no safer way for a child to learn compassion and empathy than through a book. But unfortunately, some children’s books have taken a serious turn in rewriting the authentic tales to happy endings.
There is no more gingerbread boy that gets eaten up by the fox. Happy or sad whatever the ending may be, it was perfect for the story. That’s why they were classics. Rewriting them and changing the endings kills the interesting aspects of the story.
Books, where the conflicts are always resolved with a happy ending doesn’t reflect with the range of human experience. When we share only the happy ending stories with kids we are setting up our children for false expectations of life.
If stories are all happy or idealized there is no way kids could actually experience the whole range of emotions. Trimming details and changing the ending doesn’t help your kid in any way. It actually does the opposite of hiding them from actual human experience.
At the same time, we have removed all the deadly monsters from the book, we have intensified some of the children’s movies with violent graphics and visuals.
Kids get too much exposure to what they are not supposed to know. So, story reading is again a safe place where you can read the story aloud and you can skip if the details are too intense. It’s their safe haven where they can learn about the world, new ideas and their tough emotions.
Sad Endings Teach Coping with Feelings
Happiness is a great feeling and it’s easy to cope up with. But what about fear or sorrow. Kids should feel all the emotions. No kid can cope up with a bad feeling at the moment he experiences it. Stories with sad endings are one of the safest ways to make your kids experience such emotions and slowly teach them how to cope up with such feelings.
When kids can relate to the story they read they can feel deep emotions. Fiction based on real-life characters can also help kids with their own life experience – it shows them how diverse the world is, how unique the people lives are and that some people’s lives are vastly different to theirs. Stories that contain feelings can help kids understand and accept their own feelings.
It helps them understand that there are other kids that are in similar situations who feel the same way and they are not alone.
Kids see the world in black and white. Reading a sad story with a wicked villain awakens their innate sense of justice where they try to change the situation by helping the needy. Sad stories can develop their critical thinking by making them analyze the story. Stories that talks about struggle and conflict encourage kids to develop social-emotional skills.
A good story with mixed emotions teaches kids that life can give both beautiful and awful things. It’s OK to feel hurt, it’s OK to feel scary. The more we teach our children about these emotions and feelings when they arise, they can cope up with the real world.
Sad Ending stories where the main character dies might absolutely upset some kids. Children take some time to cope up with the character loss. But it is a great way to connect with your kid. There will be too many “why” questions to understand such loss.
Sometimes it is simply an expression of sorrow. Use this opportunity to teach them that it’s OK to feel sad and show them how to cope up with overwhelming sad feelings like talking about it and hugging the loved one, etc..,
As a parent, you know your child better. So, always know your audience and think ahead before starting a read story. Make sure the story you read is age appropriate, not too scary for your kids and doesn’t have any detailed violent illustrations.
Share Stories That Resonates With A Full Range Of emotions:
We all want our child to be happy in an idealized world where everyone’s a friend. It is so tempting to raise our kids in such a world where all the conflicts are resolved with a happy ending.
But, that is totally unrealistic and its an adult expectation. Kids are always kids and it is our responsibility to let kids experience the full range of emotions and to prepare them to cope up with those feelings when they arrive.
Stories are the safe place to make them experience all those feelings especially the bad ones like sadness and fear. Sharing good stories that fascinate with new ideas, spooks with silly monsters, create wonders with an adventurous hero, elicit giggle with foolish characters and awakens justice with a wicked villain all have a place in child’s world.
Are you willing to take this journey with your kids ? Share this post with your friends.
Sindhuja Kumar is a proud mom and a lifestyle blogger living in Connecticut, USA and origin from Tamilnadu, India. She is happily married and nothing excites her more than being a mom. She blogs to keep herself sane, more or less writing about positive parenting adventures, DIY Craft tutorials & scrumptious recipes that empowers every mom and woman to stay inspired and living an elegant life in a creative way. Check her work @ PassionateMoms.
10 Ways to Integrate Your Support System into Daily Living
Who is your support system? The people you call on the toughest of days? What do you turn to for comfort when you are stressed out? Where can you go to get relief and peace when life feels chaotic?
The answers to these questions are important parts of your unique support system. A support system is a catalog of resources that offer you practical and/or emotional support. More specifically, these are people, places, and things that bolster you.
I recently published a guide for teens to build their support networks. This article (and free downloadable map) is equally applicable and supportive for parents and caregivers, and it’s a common part of the work I do with clients. Thus, I invite you to explore this tool, too, and brainstorm and create your unique support system.
I encourage you to keep this living document somewhere you will be able to see it and access it with ease. Reflect: Can you remember the last time you felt overwhelmed and unable to take the next step, or even figure the next step out? This trapped feeling can be tough to get out of. However, the closer we keep our tools and supports, the more frequently we are reminded of the resources around us, and the easier it will be for us to reach out and ask for help.
Parents, especially parents of teens and emerging adults, often share that they feel isolated. Once school drop-offs and play dates are things of the past, parents and caregivers tend to have fewer organic opportunities to interact with one another. This feeling of isolation is an opportunity to build and maintain your systems of support– an important aspect of self-care.
Developing a Support System
Recently, I have become more observant of the ways that I use my own support system, and I’m excited to share how this network has served me. When I brainstormed my own system, I sat with some of the words that I use to describe myself: highly sensitive, empathic, introvert, anxious, curious, detail-oriented, antsy, creative, and so on. As I considered each of these traits, I asked “What brings me comfort? What brings me stability?” Then, I generated broad lists and ideas for supports that were already in place, as well as supprots I wanted to integrate.
Today, I’m sharing some of the specific ways I use my support network to inform daily and weekly practices. These ideas are meant to be examples for you to consider and explore as you dig deep into your own needs and preferences for support. I invite you to edit, revise, revision, and recreate your own map of supports and structures for including these into your regular practices.
10 Ways to Integrate Your Support System into Daily Living
- Slow Down. I notice that I feel most supported when I am not rushed. When I take the time to transition from place to place or role to role, I feel more grounded. Observe your transitions and find ways to slow down throughout the shifts you endure daily.
- Accountability Partners: I talk with my accountability partner weekly for 20-30 minutes each Friday. We cover celebrations and accomplishments for the week and set goals for the coming week. Explore an accountability relationship with a friend or colleague! Email me for more info on how to get started.
- Top 3: When I have a work-related situation that I don’t know how to solve, I have 3 close friends who are also solopreneurs that I can contact to share, brainstorm, and create a plan. When I face depression, I reach out to my partner, my sister, and a close friend. Consider having a top 3 list for personal life, as well as work life.
- Shared Interest Groups: I meet weekly with my writing group. We are building a culture of support, resource sharing, and feedback around our work as writers. This helps me know that I am not in isolation as I do my creative work. Join groups of people who have similar interests and projects as you.
- Scheduled Self-Care: Yoga and walking in nature support me in feeling strong in my mind. I set aside time for these activities (and others– like baths, reading Young Adult fiction, and meditation) because they help me refuel. Plan time for the self-care activities or your choice.
- Structured AND Unstructured Family Time: Each week, my partner and I typically designate two “date” nights. This is time that we are dedicating to one another and to our relationship. While we don’t always have plans and rarely leave the house, we have a plan to be with one another. This gives us plenty of other time to connect spontaneously or to work on our individual projects. Explore supports like family meetings, movie night, or walk and talks with your family members. Be mindful of leaving plenty of downtime in the weekly calendar too.
- Less is More. Whenever I notice that I am overwhelmed, I (attempt to) stop adding to my plate. I also check the calendar to see if there is anything extra or unnecessary that I can eliminate. I’m finding more and more that a “no” can really be the biggest “yes” to myself and my mental health. Know that it’s okay to say no, to cancel plans, or to decide not to add anything else to your to-do list.
- Professional Supports: I’ve always been an advocate for seeking the help of professionals, from therapists, to coaches, to yoga teachers, to acupuncturists, to doctors, to editors. I spend time curating my list of professional supports and depending on my needs in a given season, I prioritize different appointments. Seek professional supports that align with your values and needs (including insurance, location, and services). Don’t be afraid to “shop around” until you find a great fit.
- Happy spaces and places: I travel to happy space figuratively through safe place meditations. I also know that a nearby trail and green space always brings me comfort, as does a bookstore or library. Identify the space and places that can help you shift your energy and find a sense of safety.
- Screen-time Limits: Because so much of my work and communication involves screens, I can become overly exhausted and unable to focus. This leaves me switching between tabs or apps and in the end, I feel like I accomplish very little. When I set timers or myself, limiting my time on a given task and setting an intention to attend to one task, I feel more efficient and calm. Set limits for your technology usage. Be curious about the amount of time that feels healthiest and most enjoyable for you; let this inform your limit-setting.
It is my wish that you leave this article with new ideas and awarenesses for building and maintaining your unique support system. Get your free guide and support system map here to help you begin this process. Furthermore, I invite you to share this process and practice with your family. Noramlize asking for help and utilizing resources. We are all in this together.
I’m here to support, and I can’t wait to hear about and learn from your unique map!
As a Life Coach for Teens and Parents, Courtney supports tweens, teens, and young adults in finding their voice, growing confidence, and thriving. Through 1:1 and small group coaching sessions, teens and tweens are able to overcome anxiety, disconnect, and isolation as they explore their truest sense of self and develop a deep sense of empowerment. Courtney supports parents in practicing self-care and growing alongside their children. Sessions with Courtney lovingly guide families in developing the trust, communication, and connection that’s crucial for a life of ease.
Raising my Indian Daughter Differently
The Indian value system is quite complex. On the one hand they have great core values like parents always standing by their children in every life situation and promoting joint family living situation. On the other hand every Indian Daughter is subconsciously taught that our contribution to society is valuable only in the context of wife and mother.
Being from a moderate yet conservative family, My life was not an exception., My parents tried their best to raise me well by providing for my many needs. I was happy with the choices they made for me.
To their credit, they tried to keep themselves update with the ever changing society norms. I was blessed with a perfect family with full of love and joy but there was always a subtle criticism involved when it came to some of my behavior and attitudes.
Even the best parents will yell at their daughters if they are sleeping past 9 a.m, laughing out so loud or being to social in the crowd because they think it is not appropriate.
” What will your future in-laws think of you and the way we have raised you “ was a frequent lament!
My Story
When the marriage topic was began for me at age 23, I felt I was in a different world altogether. I saw a completely different side to my mother. There are other families where getting married gets discussed when the daughter turns 21. I guess it’s fine, at the least you were be free for 21 years, sort of.
Yes, my in-laws are so sweet and caring and I never felt feared being myself around them. Initially though I cared for them because “in laws are your own family now. They come first and should get all the love and respect the second you become a wife. “ Thank god after some days I realized they really deserved it all for treating me like a daughter.
It’s like they were not only worried about society but also the future family I was going to get married. Our story is not unique though and unfortunately, many girls get influenced by this thinking. There are other families where getting married gets discussed when the daughter turns 21. I guess it’s fine, at the least you were be free for 21 years, sort of.
Raising My Indian Daughter Differently
Girls are taught to take up as little room as possible in this world, not just physically, but also in the way they speak, laugh and assert themselves. When I had my daughter I decided to parent her differently.
- If my daughter wants to play cricket in the street with boys, if she loves to climb trees or to laugh loudly or be boisterous, I will never stop her. I will trust my kid forever.
- I will wish to stand by her side in all situations. I will not accuse her of bringing shame to my family whenever she does something unreasonable.
- I will never ask her to put her passions and dreams on the back burner for getting married.
- I will not ask her bear a child within the so-called time limit of 28 years.
- She will be valued for the same reasons as every son for their intelligence, strength, creativity and passion.
If the parents like us don’t see our son and daughter as equal then how will the society see and treat our girls equal? Especially during the marriage phase, I don’t want to intimidate my daughter and make her feel that her husband’s family are so different and she have to convince them in each situation. I need to teach her what marriage is all about and how lovely it is to be getting married and taking care of the family. Naturally she going to be an endearing daughter in law.
I want her to know self-love is the best thing she can do to herself. It is the greatest love of all. To show respect to everyone and their feelings regardless of their age is a basic quality she should never give up.
With these values she will surely grow to be of strong character. What else do you think I can do differently to empower her?
The Subtle Art of Being Grateful
Experiencing a myriad of emotions everyday, how often do you feel grateful?
Learn Patriotism from “Calling Sehmat” – Harinder Sikka
Very few books have elements of spying, patriotism, courage, guilt and remorse all under the same roof! “Calling Sehmat” just walks the tightrope, balancing all these elements of humane psyche with finesse.
It was actually the movie, which fueled my interest to go behind finding the actual book.
“Calling Sehmat” was a fine revelation and all thanks to Harinder Sikka, the author, who took the pains, to chalk out the life of the protagonist, pre and post her life as a spy, by researching about the character’s life for a period of 8 years!
It isn’t easy for a young twenty year old girl, to surrender all her dreams, her love, to only fulfill the vision of her parents, which is protecting the country. This level of parental devotion or rather patriotism towards one’s country is initially thought as stupid or rather far-fetched, but for a young girl, for whom this also was a dying father’s last wish, the act made sense.
Considering that the book is inspired from a real life hero, whose name is chosen to be kept as anonymous with just a pen name “Sehmat”, I would take this opportunity to call her as truly heroic, courageous and above all, a gem of a human being.
What she did was unfathomable! Not many trained spies could do that, and live to tell the tale, but she did!
Being a Kashmiri Indian girl, Sehmat was married and sent to Pakistan, to serve as an Indian Spy. The plot and story line is what makes the plot gripping and on the edge all the times.
Sehmat’s unfettered attention and observation to detail to plot schemes and strategies, to get into the good books of her Pakistani marital household, coupled with her attempts to dodge the eyes of suspects, is what makes this book a real thriller.
The book gets its pace, post the main protagonist’s arrival in Pakistan. The way, she uncovers secrets, finds resources and transmits messages, all in the garb of a newlywed innocent daughter-in-law, is surprising and nothing less than brave. Her pretentious act of being a good wife, and a daughter-in-law, with the underlying hidden motive of extracting information for Indian counterparts is flawless, brave and above all, mind blowing.
However, since Sehmat was not a trained spy, her character has been shown as vulnerable, especially in the moments of pain and hurt. Her acts of crime and killings are brutal and chilling, but they simultaneously show the humane side of her, pain and remorse envelop her heart with guilt. However, her spy mind is always at work and this contradiction of her ruthlessness as a spy versus the simplicity and love for life as a human, is what makes the tale interesting.
Killings and crimes come with a price, which was also quoted for Sehmat. Although, post her stint as a spy, she led a life away from the prying eyes of government, but she couldn’t escape her own. Her own guilt and remorse led her to live a life in isolation, almost on the edge of going insane. The pain and remorse was something that even prevented her to take care of her own child, something that simply added to her woes. She could never have a normal mother-son relationship, something which even the author confessed.
Her coming back to life via the route of spirituality was touching and heartfelt. In short, her life was brave and courageous, not just replete with patriotism and devotion towards her own country, but also marked with respect for every human who touched her life, whether Indian or Pakistani.
Her re-settling in Maler Kotla, a small city in Punjab, post her “Spy” days, said it all. While her act of spying was to respect her father’s, an Indian’s wishes, her settling in Maler Kotla, was an act of sheer repentance towards someone, who she had mercilessly killed in the path of spying. Not everyone has this heart and mind to recognize and respect all, including those who usually are at the end of receiving wrath from us!
This book talks about a character, which seems to be a story, but it just was real. The only real and heartbreaking is the truth and price of being a spy. No spy is happy killing or committing crime, but like the movie tagline says, “Nothing in front of nation” and that is what made Sehmat pay a very heavy price, but earned her a lot of respect.
The book definitely raises the doubt, whether putting everything at stake for a country’s pride and safety, is actually worthwhile, especially when your own identity and life is at stake, even after providing life saving information?
Read more of the many lessons books today teach kids by clicking here.
This book has been adapted into the incredible movie “Raazi”. You can watch the trailer of the movie, now available on Netflix.
What are you willing to do for your country?
Malvika Roy Singh A freelance creative writer and blogger for the past 7 years, Malvika Roy SIngh writes about subjects like travel, food, lifestyle, health, interior designing, real estate, digital entertainment, media and marketing, education etc. Her parenting blog helps her be a conscious parent (www.wipmom.com) When she is not writing, she can be found either running or playing with her 4 year old son enjoying time reading. She resides in Hyderabad and can be reached at mroysingh@gmail.com
Kicking Off the School Year with Intention
What is the end of summer looking like in your home? What’s it feeling like? Another big family transition is just around the corner– back to school!
You and your children or teens may be excited about getting back into the flow and routine of the school year, and you and your family may be anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, exhausted thinking about this change of pace. Anywhere along this spectrum is normal, reasonable, and understandable.
Noticing Transitions
The truth is, transitions are challenging! There’s a certain energy of anticipation that hits, and as you begin to move into the change, you’ll likely notice various shifts in your mood, capacity, and energy. This is not a positive or negative thing; it just is.
Transitions require you to adapt and adjust. The transition from summer to school has the potential, like any transition, to bring discomfort, stress, and energy drain, even if you or your family feel excited! Furthermore, if one family member becomes overly stressed and begins to “flip their lid,” others will be impacted and will likely flip their lid too. Thus, it’s important to recognize and name the way transitions are influencing your family during this season and beyond.
You and your family have the opportunity to stay awake to your experiences in this transition, and there are tools and strategies you can implement to support the process.
Acknowledging Emotions
First, I invite you to talk explicitly about emotions. As the parent, share how you personally feel about the upcoming transition out of summer. Consider describing what parts of the experience you are excited about, nervous about, curious about, etc. It’s okay (and even helpful) to address emotions that feel tough or challenging; this can help your child or teen understand that their sensations are normal!
With a stance of curiosity, you can encourage your child to share, too, by asking how they are feeling. Their expression can be done through many modalities that you might suggest as options, including the following: drawing scenes that capture their emotions; using a 1-10 scale to rate how intensely they are feeling a sensation; circling the feelings that apply to them on a list of different emotions; using thumbs up/down/sideways to indicate how they’re feeling; and so on. Let me know what other methods you and your family come up with along the journey!
Time Management and Organization
Brainstorming organization systems as a family can be powerful as it promotes contribution and engagement from all members. I observe families having great success with family meetings focused on this topic. Through the crucial brainstorming process, allow all ideas to flow, even if they are silly, unreasonable, or humorous. The goal of this conversation is to determine how your whole family will stay on the same page about daily, weekly, and monthly schedules, so a little bit of laughter will help bring cohesion. If you and your children or teens want some help getting started, browse Pinterest!
Click here to teach your child how to do goal setting and perseverance with the same.
I also invite you to take time with your family to gather copies of academic, sports, extracurriculars, church/religious, and other calendars that influence the family schedule. Find a home for these calendars, as you and your family will need to reference them regularly. Maybe it’s a binder or a digital shared album of the photos, but it must be something that works for your family. You may also consider having each family member transfer important dates (days off, holidays, exams, practices, etc.) into their individual calendars depending on the age-appropriateness of these details.
Furthermore, tt might serve your family to create an ongoing routine of sitting down at the end of each month to add additional dates (events, games, tests, etc.) to the upcoming month’s calendar; this, of course, could also be done on a weekly basis instead. Co-creating the calendar is a pathway to co-creating family time and family contribution.
Incorporate School Year Routine
Additionally, I suggest creating lists that capture daily routines and procedures. Yes, this is also appropriate and helpful for teens! As you begin this process, ask your child or teen open-ended questions such as, “What do you need to do each morning to be prepared for school?” or “What steps do you need to take to get good rest each night?” Allow them to name tasks that are important to their success and personal comfort. Stay open to their answers, focus on listening, and refrain from micromanaging or advising.
If there’s something important they seem to be missing, you can remind them by asking, “Where does brushing your teen fit in the routine,” for example. As a family, write these individualized routines down and encourage each family member keep them somewhere they’ll see them. (This includes you too, parents!)
In the chaos of the beginning of the school year, it can be helpful to decide on a 1-2 activities or commitments that everyone will show up for each week. The goal of these activities is to promote quality time and connection. Plus, if they are agreed upon as a family, it’s easy to hold them as priorities and to honor them in the family schedule. Ideas include things like pizza dinner on Thursdays, morning exercise on Saturdays, or attending a religious service together. What would bring your family together on a regular basis?
Other Back to School Considerations
There are few other elements to consider through this important transition:
- Technology: Agree upon technology norms and limits as a family. You can ask, “What types of things do you need your phone for on a daily basis?” “What time should screens be put away so we can get the rest we need?” and “How long do you anticipate wanting to be on your phone for socialization or fun each day?” Help your children and teens make commitments and systems for their technology usage.
- Academics: Before the homework and projects hit full steam, it’s beneficial to explore opportunities for academic support. This can begin with browsing campus websites or portals, and it can progress to helping your child or teen identify the people on (or off) campus that they can turn to for help. For example: Is there a writing center? Do they know each teacher’s office or tutoring hours? Do they know how to log on to campus portals?
- Social and Emotional Life: Just as you and your family did with academic supports, explore and name social and emotional supports your family can access. This includes locating campus counseling and support personnel, discussing teachers or mentors they already have a relationship with, and considering extracurricular opportunities. Get my free download for building a support system here.
- Free Time: Discuss healthy, comforting options for after-school and weekend time. Remember to reserve and encourage time at home to rest, read, take care of chores, and simply be, as well as extracurriculars.
As you and your family take on the 2018-2019 school year, I invite you to come back to this list again and again.Know that you might commit to a certain schedule or agreement and find that it’s not working in a week or two– that’s okay! Come back to the drawing board as a family, discuss what did and did not work, and try another idea, co-create a new strategy. Adjustments are a normal part of the process. Reach out if you’d like support on this journey into the academic year.
As a Life Coach for Teens and Parents, Courtney supports tweens, teens, and young adults in finding their voice, growing confidence, and thriving. Through 1:1 and small group coaching sessions, teens and tweens are able to overcome anxiety, disconnect, and isolation as they explore their truest sense of self and develop a deep sense of empowerment. Courtney supports parents in practicing self-care, growing alongside their children, and developing balanced sensitivity towards the process their rapidly-changing child is creating. Through Intentional Parents of Tweens and Teens, an online membership for parents of adolescents, Courtney offers parents the time and space to learn, grow, problem-solve, and relate to one another in a supportive community. Sessions with Courtney lovingly guide families in developing the trust, communication, and connection that’s crucial for a life of ease.The Day My Son Realized We Are an Interracial Family
I am American and about as pale white at they come. My husband is from the Caribbean and also lived in South America and has the perfect year around tan. When my son was born, he came out a perfect mix of the two of us but with my skin color. Given that we are an interracial couple, I assumed my son would easily accept other people and cultures. I found out a few months ago that I was wrong to assume that. I honestly never thought that I would have to explain why daddy was different.
Strange Behavior
A few months ago, my son, Logan, started acting very strangely towards Shadrach (his daddy). Logan wanted nothing to do with Daddy. He would push him away, run away from him, or did not want to play with him. The strange behavior started all of the sudden.
One night as I was putting Logan to bed, I asked him why he did not want to be around daddy and was treating him so badly. He told me that he did not like the color of daddy’s skin because it was different from his and mine. His answer floored me and caught me completely off guard.
Immediately my heart hurt for Shadrach. I was not expecting an answer like this. I never stopped and thought about the fact that I needed to teach my child about the differences in people and how that makes them each unique, especially when it came to his family. I just assumed that because this was his daddy and it was all he had ever known, that he would just love and accept him.
How We Taught the Differences Between People
I finished putting Logan to bed that night, after his confession about not liking his daddy’s skin color. My heart was heavy and I just kind of sat there and wondered what to do next.
The first thing I did, the very next day, was to start talking to Logan about what was different and what was the same between people. For example, I would ask him what was different about me. I would point out that I am a girl and he is a boy. That makes us different. Then, I would point out that he and daddy are both boys, which gives them something in common.
This little game continued when we were out in public. Quietly I would ask Logan what was different about people and then ask him to tell me if he could find something in common with them. Quickly Logan caught on and started pointing out people that looked like Shadrach and would exclaim, a little too loudly, “That man has the same color skin as my daddy!”
I was so glad to realize that he understood each person is made different and unique. The thing I wanted him to understand was just because someone looks or acts differently; it does not mean that is a bad thing. Also, my goal is to help him understand that we can always find something in common with another person.
This whole situation with Logan has taught me that as parents we do need to take the time to sit down and teach our children that people are made in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and that is a good thing! Everyone has a unique feature about them that sets them apart, and that is something to be celebrated.
[bctt tweet=”Everyone has a unique feature about them that sets them apart, and that is something to be celebrated.” username=”contactrwc”]
Each person reacts differently when they realize people are not quite like them. Logan acted scared and mad about it because it was something he did not understand. Some children are just curious and stare. Others may ask many questions about it. There is no wrong way, but as parents, we can pick up on these cues and start teaching them that those things that stand out are what makes those people unique.
Imagine how different our world could be if we all took the time to teach our children about different nationalities and cultures. The fear of someone different would go away because that fear comes from the lack of knowledge. While I am not done teaching Logan about all of this, I know that he is starting to understand and I see him learning to love people just as they are.
Can I challenge you as parents? Let children ask questions about people but make sure to explain things. Use it as an opportunity to teach about other cultures. If you do not know about certain cultures, be honest when your child asks. Then take the time to sit down and learn about it together.
Raising “world children” does not mean you have to travel around the world.
To me it means you sit down as a family and learn about different cultures, right in your home. Thanks to the internet, Pinterest, libraries, and television, there are plenty of opportunities to learn and teach your children about all the different cultures that make up our world.
I am thankful that we are such a diverse little family and it has opened up the doors to talk about different cultures and teach how to love each and every person, no matter who they are or where they are from.
Laura Ramnath is the voice behind her Family and Lifestyle blog The Rambling Ramnaths. She has held positions in banking and worked for a children’s clothing designer, but currently, enjoys the crazy role of being wife to Shadrach and stay-at-home mom to their 4-year-old son Logan. He keeps life interesting as there is never a dull moment with him! Laura has a passion for life and enjoys family travels and adventures, hiking, going to the beach and binge watching Netflix. She is also a strong believer in CoffeeFirst!
Changing The Misnomer of Indian Feminism
A few years ago I was returning home with a friend from a party at 9:30 pm. I was wearing a simple black dress which went till my knees, high heels and carrying a blingy purse. My friend was getting late so she dropped me at an intersection about a km away from my place.
The distance was not much really, but things had started closing down for the night. I must have reached a few meters ahead when 3 men on a bike started following me. I panicked and crossed the road thinking that they will continue on their way. But they turned around and came the other way.
I frantically called my fiancé to come and pick me up. He asked me to go inside a supermarket which was thankfully open. I thank my lucky stars everyday that nothing untoward happened to me. Needless to say, I got a huge dressing down from my fiancé for being so irresponsible! In retrospect, I was wearing something that was completely out of place in an area which was surrounded by slums, which is certainly not a good idea.
Conservative Thinking
In India, conservative thinkers have many “rules” which define the behavior of a “good woman”. The most frustrating among them is blaming the girl for being eve teased or even raped because she’s wearing inappropriate clothes or standing the wrong way or luring men etc.
On top of this there are some fanatics who makes statements to the media like “It was bound to happen, women wear nudity fashion. They were wearing short dresses.” or “They tried to copy the Westerners, not only in their mindset but even in their dressing. So there was some disturbance, some girls are harassed, these kinds of things do happen.” Like it’s no big deal but needless, it is our fault! What they do not understand is that eve teasing happens no matter what we wear, salwar suits, sarees or western clothes.
This has led to a huge hue and cry about women protesting that they have a right to wear what they want in public and should not be shamed because of it. Young girls, the “feminist advocates”, in turn at times protest this thinking by wearing clothes inappropriate for the time and place, just to prove a point.
A Real Look at the Misnomer of Feminism
While I am a feminist myself, there is a very fine line here which is often missed by many. Yes, one should have the right to dress the way they want. Wearing western clothes doesn’t mean that you are a woman with loose morals trying to get a man’s attention. You are certainly not giving anyone the green signal to your body.
But there is also something called as appropriate dressing which is defined by the environment you are going to be in.
When I was in the night club I would have been considered conservatively yet elegantly dressed but on the lonely streets at 9.30 pm in the night I probably looked like an escort to those men on the bike in that location. Maybe, if i was even wearing a sweater or shawl I might have been overlooked, but on that night I was probably sticking out like a red beacon.
When the time comes for me to educate my daughter about these situations I will tell her is that you are allowed to wear whatever you want. I don’t care about the “aunties” who sit and judge the length of your dress but to always always be aware of the surroundings you are going to be in before deciding on your outfit.
Feminism has become the most fashionable word in the country today. Every time any issue pops up, out comes the “F” word. I believe that women are grossly misusing this word to get things they at times don’t deserve or something that is impractical. This is because most of these women don’t really understand what it means or stands for. [bctt tweet=”“Misguided feminism” is the root cause of confusion within women on how to respond to issues.” username=”contactrwc”]
Further Misconstrued in the Household
Another misconstruction of feminist ideals made is when it comes to doing the household chores. Women, like men have demanding careers these days and hence expect that the men of the house also contribute in the daily tasks at home.
This is quite reasonable. But in most Indian households, the mothers-in-law will judge their daughters-in-law for making their “Shona Beta” (Darling Son) do housework. The feeling is that their sons are being treated like a servant.
They do not understand that the poor girl deserves some time off too. This rigid thought process in turn causes the women to rebel. They take it to the other extreme by demanding that it is the men who should do everything around the house. They lounge around thereby throwing the concept of “equality” down the drain.
I want to teach my baby that equality comes when both the man and the woman change their perspective. They need to understand and respect the fact that they are both equally busy in their respective jobs. With mutual understanding they can share the house work respectfully. There should be no rigidity that a particular task belongs to a single person only.
So, What is Feminism ?
Fighting for equality when it comes to respect, voicing your opinion, demanding equal pay, is what feminism is about.
- It is about making your own choices.
- It is about understanding your inner strength.
- It is about grace.
- It is about acceptance that women are as capable as men are with actions.
- It is also understanding that men and women cannot be equals in many ways.
Men and women and each individual has their own purpose and strength. If that is how God wanted everyone to be equal, he/she would have created a world full of only men or only women or vice versa. This is the lesson would like to teach my daughter and every young woman out there.
Do not be afraid of the misogynists that surround you. They are but a handful. The world is changing, and our country is changing too. There are male members of the society who proudly call themselves feminists (your father included).
Be a feminist, do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. Do not abuse this privilege and everything that comes with it. Being a woman is not a curse as many believe it to be, it is a blessing. Be proud of who you are and believe that you can achieve whatever you want to.
Shuchita Kumar is a new mom. She is trying to learn the ropes of motherhood with the help of knowledge passed on by the elders combined with modern thinking. Currently, residing in Bangalore, India. She spent her early childhood years in the heart of India that is Bhopal, Madhya Pradesh. She then lived in Goa (heaven!) and Pune. A software engineer by profession, she loves dancing, bird watching and just spending time with her husband visiting various jungles. She also enjoys pampering her friends and families with delicious food and pastries
5 Words to Eliminate from your Child’s Vocabulary Forever
How many times have you been told to “watch your language” or scolded a child and said “don’t say THAT word”?
In American society, we often polarize words as being “good” or “bad”. When I have heard these phrases, they are typically speaking of words considered as “curse” words or “foul” language.
In truth, we have words that are considered “good” that are not given a second thought and are actually quite disempowering.
In the process of observing my own words and thoughts, I found several of these “fly under the radar” words that were incredibly harmful to my life and I began to shift them. Celebration!
Once we begin to act as an observer in our lives and the lives of our children, we begin to see how words that are considered “good” words can be extremely detrimental to our growth.
Earlier today, I was out with my little three year old grandson. We were having a great time playing at a local park until…..out of his little mouth came the very first word on my list. Oh no! What was I going to do, how would I handle it. This was a critical moment!
The very first word in my list is CAN’T!
This particular park has playground equipment. In one area, were these posts that were large enough to climb, stand and step to the next. They were similar to stepping stones but off the ground. They led you to the balance beam and then to the slide. Here was this amazing little boy having a fantastic time, when all of a sudden he encountered a challenge a little too big for him. With encouragement from me, I said, “what if you can?”. I held his hand as he carefully took each step and made it all the way to the slide! He said “I can do it, Grammy!” and I said “Of course, you can”!
This word is one that we say quite often to ourselves when something is a little challenging. Our thoughts and words are powerful tools. We can use them to propel us toward greatness or keep us stuck believing we “Can’t” get there. It is important that we use them to move us forward.
Have you figured out other words that you should eliminate from your vocabulary?
If you were looking closely, you saw the second word in my list SHOULD!
This little trouble making word is full of guilt and shame. When you use the word should, start to observe how you feel when you use it. For example, “I should clean the house”. “I should call my mother”. How many times have you or your child been in a situation where you “should” on yourself? One way to re-frame this is to either do the task or do not do the task and simply let it go. Example would look something like this “I cleaned the house”. “I will call my mother” or “I choose not to clean the house right now”. “I choose not to call my mother, today”.
The next word on my list is used as a word to connect sentences. The trouble with this little word is the mind focuses on it and everything said after it and disregards everything said before it. Unfortunately, we often put the good stuff before the word and it is no longer heard.
The number three word on my list is BUT!
Let’s test out a few examples. “You did a great job cleaning your room BUT you didn’t make the bed right”. In this instance, “you didn’t make the bed right” is the only thing heard and retained. Another way to say this might look something like “You did a great job cleaning your room!” If you are looking for a teachable moment on the bed, consider using “Would you like to see a really cool way to make the bed? Let’s try this together!”
Re-framing the way we say words takes a little practice. Once we start to observe our language and how it makes us feel, it becomes much easier to empower our children with these new ways of speaking.
Number four on my list is actually the phrase HAVE TO!
When we speak and say we “have to” do something it has a heaviness to it. It certainly does not sound like anything we want to do. This can feel extremely disempowering and over time add to feelings of dread and depression. When we have a task that we do want to do, we often say “I get to”. As we begin to see everything we do in life as a blessing, instead of a chore, life becomes much more empowering and enjoyable. Think of this example “I have to pay the mortgage payment”. Yuck! Seriously, who would want to do that! When we consider the mortgage payment pays for the home that provides shelter for our family, we recognize it is truly a blessing. We honor it with the re-frame “I get to provide a home and shelter for my family!”. Which one feels better?
The last word on my list is a tricky one. It is used in so many areas of our life. We see it on billboards. It may be heard it places of worship. We freely use the term with others.
Number five on my list is the word HOPE!
This one is a little harder to see and understand. It was not until I really tuned into my body when I said the word, that I recognized how much it made me feel helpless. Consider this example “I hope I get to take a vacation this year” versus “I am taking a vacation this year”. What about something bigger, “I hope I can provide for my family” versus “I know I can provide for my family”. So much of our language that is considered “good” is often quite disempowering. The word Hope gives the impression that we have no control over anything in our lives and feels quite passive. I have found when my faith is at its strongest, I have no need to HOPE because I KNOW that I am open to receive and I am taking inspired action to create the desired results.
At the end of the day, the voice in our head and the words coming out of our mouths, allow us to create an empowering or disempowering reality for ourselves. Children absorb everything at a rapid rate. The thoughts and words that empower or disempower help to shape them for the rest of their lives.
Tammy Coin is a Mind-Body Wellness Practitioner, Transformational Life & Spiritual Coach, Author, Teacher and Speaker. She holds sacred space & helps you locate the unhealed emotions leftover from Childhood Abuse & Trauma that block the door to your authentic self. She then partners with you, using the pieces of her own life, to empower, motivate and inspire you to fully uncover and step into your Soul Purpose. You can find Tammy Coin and The Doors of Wellness at http://www.thedoorsofwellness.com on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/thedoorsofwellness
Summer Anti-Boredom Toolkits for the Whole Family
Summer, and any other unstructured time of the year, can lead to boredom. Children and teens have to make pretty big energetic and logistical transitions each time the shift from school schedules to summer vacation and vice-versa. A bored kid is a kid whose brain is challenging them to get curious and explore something new.
The Transition to Summer
Often times, the transition into summer feels exciting; it may be a relief! Then, after several days or a few weeks, this less-structured time can begin to wear on children and teens. (And parents!) This lack of structure can create room for less desirable behaviors (think screens), and with plans and intentions, it can be a time of fun and joy.
In sessions this summer, I have guided teenage clients in developing Anit-Boredom Toolkits. These are simply lists of options, or a menu, that children and teens can use to get out of boredom and into engagement and curiosity. This is a living document that can be added to or edited at any time. A few clients have taken this one step further and even prepared a duffel bag, tackle box, or storage tub full of items from their list!
Below you will find a list that offers your child or teen ideas to consider as they create a unique and extensive toolkit. All they need to begin is a notebook and something to write with!
Considerations for your custom anti-boredom toolkit:
- Start with what you know you love. Include your favorite activities and hobbies on the list. Include the things you love to return to over and over again. Your passions and hobbies deserve to be on this list.
- Explore your 5 senses. Try to list at least one activity or option that will activate each of your senses! Challenge yourself to think outside of the box!
- Try something new. If there’s a skill or hobby you’ve been thinking about for some time, encourage yourself to take the leap. Consider taking a camp or class for guidance, or check our YouTube, blogs, or books for how-tos.
- Gather inspiration. Use magazines, documentaries, web searches, Pinterest, etc to inspire you. You might enjoy creating a summer vision board, or a collage to capture your inspirations and hopes.
- Balance alone time with connections with others. Ensure that some of your list items give you time to be with yourself. Likewise, include options that bring you into connection with friends, family, or your community.
- Consider your career interests. What ideas do you have for your career? Perhaps there volunteer or internship options related to your interest. Alternately, you might like to delve into research about this career path through documentaries, books, etc.
- Take advantage of nature. Include options that are centered around nature, whether it be a park, a neighborhood, or a hike in the woods.
- Do some research. It can be helpful to look at local calendars or stop by the local library or coffee shop to look at bulletin boards. There are tons of ideas out there waiting for you to find them. Stay open to the possibilities and notice what sparks your interest along the way.
- Ask your friends and family for ideas. Chat with friends and family and ask them about their favorite activities and passions. As they share, notice if anything catches your attention. Bonus: if you find a common interest, you have built-in connection time with a friend or family member!
- Incorporate self-care. It’s important to include activities that are calming and relaxing for you. These are small ways that you can offer yourself comfort and care. This can be time for reading, taking baths, or journaling, for example.
- Review your list with your parents. Share your brainstorming with your parents! They’ll be excited to hear your ideas and interests. If some activities require family support– for transportation, financially, for safety, etc.– begin a conversation with them about how you might be able to meet these goals.
A Tool for the Whole Family
While the list portion of this article is meant to be a tool for your child or teen, I invite you notice the ideas that have come to your mind. Is it time for you to build a boredom toolkit too?! Creating, maintaining, and using this type of catalog is likely to increase your intentionality surrounding self-care. Instead of defaulting to screens or the couch, you have a whole list of energizing and soothing ideas that you can consider.
If you and your child or teen are looking for support as you build Summer Boredom Toolkits, let’s chat! I work with clients to co-create systems that bring their family into deeper connection, and I would be honored to support you on the journey!
As a Life Coach for Teens and Parents, Courtney supports tweens, teens, and young adults in finding their voice, growing confidence, and thriving. Through 1:1 and small group coaching sessions, teens and tweens are able to overcome anxiety, disconnect, and isolation as they explore their truest sense of self and develop a deep sense of empowerment. Courtney supports parents in practicing self-care, growing alongside their children, and developing balanced sensitivity towards the process their rapidly-changing child is creating. Through Intentional Parents of Tweens and Teens, an online membership for parents of adolescents, Courtney offers parents the time and space to learn, grow, problem-solve, and relate to one another in a supportive community. Sessions with Courtney lovingly guide families in developing the trust, communication, and connection that’s crucial for a life of ease.Find her on —
http://courtneyharriscoaching.com/
https://www.instagram.com/courtneyharriscoaching/
https://www.facebook.com/courtneyharrisedconnect/
What to Do When Self Love Eludes You
People talk about Self-Love as if you “should” just understand what it means. When self-love eludes you, it occurs to you that while you understand the concept as it applies to others, you have not taken the time to consider how it applies to you.
Intellectually you have an understanding of what it means. In fact, you could probably teach it to others. Yet, you realize you have forgotten what it means to love yourself. Perhaps, you’ve never known the feeling of self-love inside your own body.
How does this happen?
Many people live in cultures or families that teach us to love others before ourselves. While that’s a beautiful thought, in theory, eventually we find ourselves in situations where we have no choice but to learn how to love ourselves.
As we become adults, we take on roles and identities that often move us away from self. We become someone’s parent, someone’s spouse, someone’s employee, but where did YOU go?
If we have survived traumatic or abusive backgrounds, we may have learned that everyone else was more important than us. We see ourselves as not enough, not valuable or unworthy of love.
HOW DO YOU STOP ELUDING AND START EMBRACING?
Now that you are aware, begin to make small conscious choices to be gentle with yourself. Gentle in how you speak, act and give to yourself. Practice the art of receiving from others. Mindfully give to yourself the love that you so freely give to others.
Tammy Coin is a Mind-Body Wellness Practitioner, Transformational Life & Spiritual Coach, Author, Teacher and Speaker. She holds sacred space & helps you locate the unhealed emotions leftover from Childhood Abuse & Trauma that block the door to your authentic self. She then partners with you, using the pieces of her own life, to empower, motivate and inspire you to fully uncover and step into your Soul Purpose. You can find Tammy Coin and The Doors of Wellness at http://www.thedoorsofwellness.com on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/thedoorsofwellness
How to Avoid Living The Social Media Perfect Life
Do you live life in the messy middle? Watch the interview where Sherrie Mccarthy and Aditi Wardhan Singh discuss how hard it is to be yourself onsocial media as well as how to avoid the pitfalls many moms face when living life in the digital age.
LEARN MORE ABOUT SHERRIE MCCARTHY
What exactly it is that you do?
I’m an author and creativity coach. I have also recently added Doterra health consultant since discovering the joy that is esentional oils!
How did you come about this passion/profession?
I have been a writer my whole life, but it wasn’t until grief took me out at the knees that I realized how silly it was that I wasn’t claiming it.
Tell us about your family.
We are a Canadian, German family based in Berlin and currently afloat in the Carribean! We set sail from Poland on our boat Fallor in April 2017. My oldest is 5 and the youngest is 3!
What do you think are three biggest struggles most parents go through when regards to living their life fully these days?
1. Judgement
2. Information overload
3. Not enough support
Everyone has advice but fewer are there to actually help!
What are 5 ways a person can get over comparisons with another’s mom journey?
1. Yoga (seriously anything can be worked out on the mat!)
2. Journalling (Im a big believer in the power of writing to dive deep and discover if what you are upset about is what you truly believe or you are letting someone else trigger you)
3. Meditation (even 5 minutes will connect you with you and calm you down and bring you back to your own path)
4. A supportive community. Sometimes just asking like minded people can bring you back to sanity.
5. Digital detox. Unfollow anyone who doesn’t fill you with joy!
Do you have any resources to help our readers ?
2 free videos from the Creative and Vibrant living virtual retreat (no credit card required just sign up for the free trial!)
Raise Autism Awareness to Help Kids Be More Inclusive
I am fortunate enough to be a Mum to two beautiful children who just happen to be on the Autism spectrum. My daughter, O, is nine and my son, L, is 5. To my husband and myself, and to others who have come to know them, they are the most caring wonderful children who are totally inclusive of other children. And yet, some children struggle to be inclusive of O and L because they don’t understand why O and L do the things that they do.
Long before we knew that O was on the spectrum she had an amazing group of culturally diverse friends. I can recall one particular afternoon when I collected her from day care and I asked her who she had played with that day. At the ripe old age of 3 years, she replied with “oh I played with my black friend!”
At the time we lived in a city that was quite racist and all I could think of was what, you can’t say that, what are people going to think that I am teaching you?
When I pressed further with O as to why she said “black friend,” O replied “well, she’s my friend and her skin is black.” This was the start of her literalness showing. She wasn’t being racist, she was simply stating a fact. I, on the other hand, was horrified. I also had to go back into the centre to find out her new friends name!
I grew up in a very culturally diverse community. Throughout school I could count the number of Caucasian students in my classes on two hands. The cultural diverse out-numbered the Caucasian by a huge number. And yet here I was explaining to my then three year old daughter what she should and shouldn’t say and why.
A few weeks after this conversation, I was in a government office with my daughter along with a lot of other people from young families through to elderly people. We’d being waiting in the queue for some time and during that time my daughter had started playing with a young Sudanese boy – neither of them understood each other as clearly English was not his first language. But they were having a blast and that is all that matters. At one point, an elderly person turned to me and said out loud “you’re not going to let your child play with THAT child are you?” This elderly individual clearly had little tolerance for other cultures. I responded with “I sure am, and they’re having fun” before turning away.
Again I was horrified, but not by anything that my daughter was doing. In fact I was incredibly proud of my daughter, for at the age of three she didn’t see differences in others as a bad thing. She saw differences in others as an opportunity to learn more about others and she still has this view.
We’re now at the point in our autism journey that the exclusion of O and L by others is becoming an issue. However the exclusion is not from children but by adults.
When we mention that both O and L are on the autism spectrum we receive comments of “oh I’m so sorry,” or “oh so they aren’t capable of achieving anything?” or “I guess they’re like Rain Man?” or “they don’t look autistic” or “I guess you want a cure” and many others. The responses really show a lack of understanding from the general community about what autism is.
There are numerous celebrations throughout the year in which we celebrate culturally diverse communities and yet society still struggles with the idea of being inclusive of those with differences that aren’t as obvious.
Autism is considered a hidden disability and as such society struggles with the idea that my children look “normal,” whatever that may be, and yet they behave differently at times. O struggles with loud noises and will wear block out ear protectors to block out the background noise so that she can concentrate. L struggles with busy places and will often end up in meltdown down mode due to the overload of sensory input. The number of times that I have been told “stop your children from being naughty” or have had other parents tell their children that they don’t want their children to play with my naughty children is beyond the joke.
So how we do we raise children who are inclusive of others when their parents are not inclusive of those with differences?
Worldwide the month of April is considered to be the month in which to spread Autism awareness and acceptance.
What is Autism Awareness?
So what is Autism awareness? It is about raising the community’s awareness of the needs and accomplishments of both children and adults who are on the autism spectrum. Autism awareness is about educating the community that there are many different ways in which autism can present.
Autism is better known as “Autism Spectrum Disorder” for a reason and it is truly a spectrum. Autism isn’t just Rain Man or an individual sitting in the corner of a room rocking back and forth. Autism is both of those ideas and everything in between. I can see the spectrum myself in my two children. There is no one look to Autism.
No, I’ll take that back, Autism does have a look.
Autism looks like a child with red curly hair and bright blue eyes that light up when he’s engaging in his most favourite past time – anything to do with superheroes.
Autism also looks like a child with strawberry blonde hair that goes super frizzy when the air is humid and whose eyes change from the brightest of blue to grey when she is confused, sad or anxious.
Autism looks like a child who excels academically but struggles socially and emotionally. Autism looks like a child who loves to read The Complete Works of Shakespeare for fun!
Autism looks like one child who struggles with her gross motor skills and yet her fine motor skills are on par with her peers. Autism also looks like another child who excels in anything to do with gross motor movements but his fine motor skills are below average.
Autism awareness is being aware of this fact, that there is no one look to Autism. Autism can and does look like anything.
When we raise the level of Autism awareness in the community, we can then raise the level of Autism acceptance. And in the long term Autism acceptance means the inclusion of individuals in their communities.
Deep down, I have the belief that we all just want to be accepted for who we are. We all have things about us that are unique, different, possibly annoying to those that have befriended us. We all have different perspectives about the world around us. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. And these differences should be accepted.
Individuals with autism are no different. They just want to be accepted for who they are, stims and all.
Autism is just a neurological difference. It is just a natural variation of the human form in the same way that cultural diversity is a variation of the human form.
Acceptance and inclusion of any individual, autism or not, is about being respectful and listening to what they have to say about themselves as well as accepting them for who they are. Acceptance and inclusion is about celebrating individual’s achievements, acknowledging their strengths and accepting that differences are a great thing.
After all, as Dr. Temple Grandin has said “This world needs different kinds of minds to work together!”